scottgairdner.com

Though many believe that being a Universal Studios tour guide is a fun and easy job, what they don’t realize is that each day, a tour guide must engage in several battles with a terrifying creature.

Although Kong never took the lives of any of my tour guests, the emotional scars ran deep. Children cried, parents coughed in agony at his disgusting banana breath.

Often, as the tram passed by this jungle-spawned fool, I would shout, “Curse you, KONG! I would slap in the mouth, but my arms are not long, like yours! Because I am a human, with thoughts and feelings, just like my innocent guests. Not like you. You are a disgusting, stupid animal. You are nothing. And someday, I will seek my revenge.”

Today… revenge is mine.

Get used to the heat, Kong, because you will surely burn in hell.

Here’s the first in what I hope will be a continuing series of entries about my job as a tour guide at Universal Studios. Maybe it’s just me, but I think this job is really fascinating. As a Universal tour guide, you are witness to both the wide-eyed optimism of young tourists dreaming the Hollywood dream, and the crushing depression of adults who have long since given up on said dream.

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As many of you know, I’m a tour guide at Universal Studios (where you can ride the movies). Occasionally I check Youtube for clips of me doing the tour, and I recently found a couple. This will give you a small taste of the hilarity I bring to this Los Angeles institution, and and even bigger taste of what I get to sit through 3 times a day.

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