One of the best parts of having some mild internet success is getting to read what strangers think of my work! Sometimes, people call me gay and leave behind no trail of information. But some commenters have a rich life outside of making up elaborate ways to insult my videos. Let’s take a look at these folks with a new segment called…

Meet the Commenters!

First up, we’ll look at the comments on my video “Dave Matthews Live”.

Click below to meet the kind of people who disagree with my exceedingly accurate Dave Matthews impression.

“For not being able to have good ears and on top of it to do these kind of unfunny videos ….You should take care of yourself. You are a sucker that could buy some ears, certainly.” - JLHistheBest.

This oddly worded comment comes from a 14 year old who makes video tributes to Jennifer Love Hewitt. Her profile says “This is how we ALL must be” and links to this. We all must be like Audrey Hepburn?

“Lets just say the scum that feeds on the scum of Dave Matthews’ shit has more talent and can put together a better video. You suck, and Dave Matthews Band is the best band in the world.” - Lekherzak.

I think his fascination with Dave Matthews’ shit is pretty amusing. He is also interested in driving Corvettes while stoned:

“who ever did this your a hudge looser”- SStokesy81.

This guy made it through the first half of the sentence without a spelling error, but that back end… well, he tried. “Huge” sounds like it has a D, if you really think about it. This guy is 24 and from Canada, but he’s been to Panama, according to this video:

“hu ever made dis must have pretty crap hearing coz i can understand him perfectly wen i listen to him…” - brennz123.

I don’t know why everyone is so concerned with my hearing. “Dave Matthews can’t be the problem… it must be his hearing… poor Zoltarkill”. This guy’s hearing his fine, but he might break a few ribs someday….

“someone is a little jealous that a 40 year old balding man named dave matthews gets laid more than him…it was a grand attempt at trying to be funny…but better luck next time..dmb rocks..you suck…get over it” - apz2.

I wanted to investigate the claim that Dave gets laid more than me, because while I get laid plenty, Dave could potentially get laid more than I. Dave is married to a naturopathic doctor (haha), and they have a pair of 6-year-old twins and a newborn baby. So they have sex often enough to produce children, but I imagine the difficulty of raising a baby combined with the stresses of Dave’s regular touring ensures they don’t have very much of it. So the only way Dave is getting laid more than me is if he’s hitting up DMB groupies. Even then, at least the sex I have doesn’t smell like incense and pot, and I don’t have to answer questions about Trey Anastacio when we’re done. Besides, all DMB groupies really want to get with this guy:

Boyd

Either way, the guys who made that comment probably get laid tons, since they make hilarious James Blunt tributes!

That song actually contains the line “She could see from my face that I was fucking high”?

So there you have it. Dave Matthews fans love pot, cars, Jennifer Love Hewitt, crashing into walls in shopping carts, accusing people of not getting laid, and humorously simulating anal sex. And I love them.