Things Scott Hates At Universal Studios

While working at the Universal Studios tour has not opened me up to any new sources of hatred, it has helped me clarify why I hate many things. Click below, and I’ll tell you what those things are!

1. Middle School Girls

I hate 14-year-old girls as much as I did when I was 14, trying and failing to date them. Although without 14-year-old girls, we wouldn’t have “To Catch A Predator”, we also wouldn’t have “High School Musical”, Myspace bulletins, and Gwen Stefani’s “Wind It Up”. Today, two supercool girls sat in the front row of my tram. They spent the first 15 minutes talking, before switching to reading books, holding them almost comically high in front of their faces. I say almost comically, because my impulse to smash their heads in wasn’t so funny. What’s worse, one of them was reading James Frey’s “A Million Little Pieces”, which was proven to be totally fake. If you’re going to ignore me for the sake of a memoir, at least make it a non-fraudulent one.

2. Everyone

14-year-old girls are but a small fraction of the terrible Universal Studios crowds in July. About three weeks ago, as park attendance increased, laughter at my jokes sharply decreased. July visitors at Universal don’t like subtle wit, but they do like to grab their children and yell at them. A little known fact about Universal Studios: all the water in the Jurassic Park ride is actually the tears of children. Not that I blame the parents. When I have kids, they’re only going to one theme park: Summer Job Land! Get to work, you little bastards!

3. The Black Eyed Peas

Some of my fellow tour guides like to kick off their tours with a little “Let’s Get It Started” action. And they dance around, and get everybody to wave their arms around! “Get into it, everybody!”, they yell. If I were on a tram where this happened, the only thing I would want to get started is induced vomiting.

4. The Blues Brothers

Why are the Blues Brothers amusing? Someone please leave a comment and explain it, in detail. Perhaps an essay, 6 to 8 pages, double-spaced. I firmly believe that to enjoy the Blues Brothers, you had to have been around in 1980 and doing as much cocaine as Dan Aykroyd. The Blues Brothers show at Universal features the African-American character who joins the band in “Blues Brothers 2000″. His job is to portray a character no one remembers from a movie that everyone hates. I imagine him coming home each night, drinking himself into a stupor, staring into a mirror for an hour before punching it, falling to the ground as his hand bleeds profusely, cursing the heavens, as well as the hells. Of course, to do this every night, he would need many a mirror. Another reason to hate yourself if you have that job: much of your meager salary would have to go to new nightly mirrors. And hand surgery.