scottgairdner.com

Jesus Christ. We’re up to 17 entries. That’s unbelievable.

Of course, none of this would have happened without Ching2DaChong, the first person who believed that Iris could be done again. Here’s his newest. Thanks, dude!

Here’s a followup from the last “Diaries” post. I checked my web stats, and it seems that 200 people have looked at that post. I was impressed that so many people wanted to learn about my Universal experiences. However, when I did some investigation, it seems most people got there because of the picture that I used of 14 year old girls. As it turns out, it’s one of the first things that comes up on Google images if you search for “14-year-old girls”. I guess that’s another reason to hate 14-year-old girls: pervs are searching for pictures of them, and ignoring my hilarious musings, as well as giving me false hope that anyone is actually reading this shit.

So this morning I called in sick, and the dispatcher on the phone responded, “You son of a bitch”. This is the same guy who, when I had to suddenly get off of a tram because I spent 2 minutes gagging and not being able to speak, he responded “Basically, you’re fucking me here”. Thanks a lot, buddy! Nice to feel appreciated at work. What’s great about Universal is that almost all the male tour guides speak in the same jovial announcer-y way that I myself am guilty of speaking in much of the time. So you hear phrases like “You son of a bitch!” said in an enthusiastic Pat O’Brien-esque manner, or people walking past you, muttering to themselves, “Stupidmotherfuckerpieceofshit…”, still in the tour guide voice. A room full of angry, bitter people with confident, crystal-clear voices.

But with recent workplace pressures, I’ve decided to relieve some of my workload by turning some tours over to a guy named Conrad. More about this later.

From Ron Swerdon. Excellent work, guys!

At long last, Ryan Mitchell’s entry.

Brian Engh as Steve instead of Engh? I know, pretty amazing.

Ignacio is back! With TWO NEW IRISES!

In Part One, Ignacio explores what happened after the paper was finally finished.

This second one made me laugh harder than just about anything in any “Iris”. Thanks Ignacio!

I have exciting news, everyone! I think I figured out what I want to do for a living! I want to be a sound designer for kooky comedy trailers! I was inspired by the trailer for Disney’s “The Game Plan”, starring The Rock. Watch this trailer below, and imagine what it would be like without wacky sound effects.

The Game Plan

Without whooshes, music coming to a halt, and whooshes that bring music to a halt, you wouldn’t be able to tell if this was a comedy or a serious drama about raising kids. But with the addition of the sound effects, Disney is sure to be laughing, not crying, all the way to the bank! Let’s do it by statistics:
Whooshes- 21
Music screeching to a halt- 7
Whooshes that screech the music to a halt- 3
Dogs going “Hrrrm?”- 1

Well, I’m gonna go make some dinner. But I’m about to find out (whoosh)… that being a cook… (my dog looks up at me with an inquisitive grunt) isn’t all it’s cracked up to be!
Music cuts out, cut to me with lobsters attached to my fingers, nose, and groin. James Brown kicks in.
Scott Gairdner in… “Main Course”! Coming this fall!

From John Frye. A two-parter. Holy shit.

From Hamacide18 on Youtube. This is perhaps the immediate winner of the “Most Inexplicable Iris” award.

You may have read my previous post in which I question why the Blues Brothers are funny. I’m happy to tell you that a commenter on that post has explained it to me!

Blues Brothers Lover and Fan says:
So, for one thing, a gay ass is penetrable only by force if the recipiant is not watching blues brothers, exuse me, Blues Brothers - - - forgot to capitalize the best thing ever… if you want to know about easier gay fuck sex fuck fuck cum cumming on gay faces you need blues.. BLUES BROTHERS to know exactly how to make homosexual encounters the best kind for even the queerest straight man. Idiot.

Thank you, Blues Brothers Lover and Fan! I understand now!

From Austin Mitchell!